When dreams become reality...

It is funny how dreams can become reality. My concerns slap my in the face with " your thoughts do not make sense..stupid". I had certain reminder of a dream. I woke up out of a bed beside you. You were still sleeping. I had a concerned look in my eyes and my eyes began to make waterfalls. Why do you sleep at a time like this? I need your mind to be focused on what can be and what could happen in our future. DO you hear me? He began to continue sleeping. So you are just comfortable right? I am here worrying about what could happen. What could end...soon. I began pacing back and forth ...back and forth.. until I finally sat down beside you. I watched you sleep a little. I listened to your heartbeat. Your heart beats to its own drum. What are you a drummer boy now? Do you just march to your own rhythm? What about mine? Listen to the music in my heart.  Don't I sound... nice? I need your approval. He began to snore. I got frustrated and got up again and started to walk back and forth but this time ten times faster. I know you hear me! Am I the same woman you always expected me to be? Can I be easily replaced by another women? Am I just another beat to your drum? Another rhythm to your footsteps? Am I pencil to your paper? Used between your fingertips to make strokes in directions you control. If you for one second think I am controllable you got another thing coming. He turned over to his other side to get more comfortable. I can not be your everything. I can be something which is the only woman you love. I can not give you what you want but I can give you what you need. Your needs are my...priority. Now prioritize your heart into loving me  completely. Make your heart beat to my rhythm. Make your feet move my pace. Learn my ways as I have learned yours. Are you listening? He moved and got even more comfortable. Sometimes I think I am not enough but your lips tell me every time you kiss me that I am more than enough. Sorry, I am just a victim to my own thoughs. I am a woman. A complex, emotional being trying to prepare myself for something that will never happen. Worrying about things I can not control. Putting time in a waste basket with "spend it wisely". Living my mind "occupied" with possibilities. Possibility is a  real B, Not Karma. Possibilities leave you uncertained , karma just simply punches you in the stomach with your own actions. What goes around come back around but atleast I know what comes around when Karma approaches. Wake up. Are you talking to me? WAKE UP? You wake up! I am tired. I am tired of making concerns out of nowhere. I am tired of you sleeping and not sharing the cover. Share! Share your feelings. Share your heartbeat with me. Teach me how to...be more simplistic. Wake up. "Ugh, why you keep saying that ?! I am not sleeping! You are! You are sleeping on fact that I am talking to you, but you are not listening. I do not want you to learn how to fly. I do not want you to use you wings to travel away from me. Take me with you. no? you need space? Is two inches enough? Wake up. "Okayyyy! I will wake up. Your redundancy is working every nerve in my body. I envy how you can be emotionless. I envy how comfortable you are and how you do not fear about what tomorrow may bring. Bring your arm. Hold me. Bring your heart too. Love me. Bring your mind. Think of me. Bring your stomach. To stomach my complexity. Bring your eyes too. Look at me. What do you see?  Wake up.  I woke up and did not remember when I fell asleep. You were still beside me. Thank God it was only a dream.

Chapter 4: Falling in love with Love

 Losing control of my heart was the first step to falling for Love again but I must admit living life with you has made life so much easier. I have not had this feeling in awhile. My heart is open to you. My heart is devoted to you. I love.... I love... wait! I can not be falling this easily...this rapidly. My mind is battling with my heart to making the decision of letting you stay your place. You know the seat in the my heart reserved for you. I love..wait. What are the consequences? What if? I can not make up my mind. Questioning. Contemplation kept my mind occupied while Love was speaking to my soul. Love knew that the only way to keeep me interested is to make friends with my soul and distract the mind with causes of doubt. The "what if" mentality. Clever. I am becoming more gullible to the idea of letting you stay.

  First date was dinner and a movie. Old fashioned approach: Stimulate the mind..next enjoy my time and make room for friendship. After the date, he took me home at a descent hour and walked me to the door. He hugged me but I wanted a kiss. Am I moving too fast? 
  Second date surprised me. Love greeted me with my favorite flowers. Pink Roses. He later took me to a fancy resturant with amazing artistry. I was not prepared for any of this. I love...
Heck.. I am speechless.

  Mentally, I was lost. He killed two birds with one stone. Occupied the mind with worry, became more aquainted with my soul, leaving me physically unstable. Love was prepared to catch me as I fell in love with him. Clever?... Clever. You are such a gentlemen. I got shot twice to the brain, once to the soul, and twice to the heart. There is nothing left of me except the willingness of letting you get settled. Have your way. Get comfortable. Prop your feet up. Claim me. I am yours...forever? I am unsure about how long but I do not see an ending point to this love affair. Our time together is unpredictable. You are unpredictable... wait let me explain...in a good way. Your actions are unpredictable...you get me? Am I explaining myself to him? See! You got me nervous. I can not find a sense of direction. Which way is left? There is nothing left. What is wrong with me?
 Before I could transfer another thought to my brain....
  Love kissed me. I felt my soul leave me and come back to my body purified and fresh. My knees buckled. My legs began to forget how to walk. I managed to get in the door so we could say goodbye for tonight. Love smirked with confidence and walked away.

i ....love.......you

Chapter 3: The wall that once protected my "Puzzled Heart".

Single..
This whole time I thought that Love was taken.. I thought for a minute I lost you. I thought... but I did not know for sure. Love is avaliable. I could now began to break down the wall that I built. The wall that separated my heart from letting Love in completely. The wall was built precisely. The bricks were arrange in way that not the most sincere feeling of Love could enter. The wall is guarded by an army that would declare war on anything that tries to fill the hole in which Love departed from.The hole must stay open until the piece gets placed back in my puzzled heart. But... one day.. the bricks will be removed one by one. Only you can remove it from my heart..

As butterflies began to fill my stomach, I stopped thinking about Love for a minute. I can not let him in again atleast not now. Am I considering letting him back in? I can not help it. He does not seem the same. He approached me differently. He is gaining my friendship first. Stop doing all of the right things. I am no fool but yet.. I felt a warm embrace in my heart. The army that once guard the wall vanished. I was frustrated with my army. I will take matters into my own hands.

Love starts conversation. So tell me something about yourself? I smiled. I have plenty of siblings. Five siblings..I am the second oldest. You? The only boy of a lot of sisters. That can be a handful.  Love asked most embarrassing moments? Plenty haha! I shared a part of me that only family would know about. Laughter was present. One brick fell from the wall. Get it together. Trying to focus my lips to frown but I could seem to stop smiling. ugh. We started to find excuses to speak each other through facebook. Its cold outside and I am snowed in at work *sad face*. Conversation was constant. Two bricks fell. What's your favorite color? Grey you? Pink! What's favorite flower? Pink roses.

What is he up to? He has something under his sleeve. I am no fool but yet the bricks were falling one by one and I did not even notice it. Hobbies? I love to write, draw, and sometimes sing. you? I love to write. you already know I am a poet.  Conversation began to become interesting and slowly began to tease me. I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted more of him, We finished exchanging interest and began to exchange numbers. Love was slowly making his way pass the wall. His confidence pushed the wall over. His smooth demeanor made his way closer to my heart. His strong hand stroked my heart.. and claimed it as his.

I lost..it. I have completely lost control of my own heart. He knew the only way to get to my heart is through my mind. I love conversation. I love exchanging thoughts. He took my thoughts and remembered them. He took my thoughts and admire them. He took my thoughts..he embraced my mentality. He tricked..me but I loved the game he played. I was no match for him. I found my match. I found my duplicate.

Welcome back Love..

my heart is no longer puzzled. Love is here again.. welcome home dear

Would like to go to the movie sometime?
I answered.. Sure why not.....

Love..

Chapter 2: Love Recognition

Taking a last glance at Love was very difficult. As I walked to my movie with my best friend all I could think was him. In my mind, I wanted him here... beside me...as we watched a movie together.

"We could hold hands.. If we watched a horror flick... I would find excuses to get closer to you... If we watched a comedy... I would experience your smile for the first time...Sigh what a beautiful smile you have.. We could share laughs together."

"JAMIE... snap out of it." as my friend interrupted my thoughts. My thoughts of him became a tease...just a simple dream that will not come to reality. "Why do I continue to give my hopes up?"

      As the night passes, I began to force myself to stop thinking about him. He was overpowering my focus. He was beginning to take over me but I would not allow it. I would not let Love in. "I will keep my focus." About a week later, I refused to attend anything that required Love's presence. "Nah, may be some other time.. I have tons of homework." "I do not have a ride may be next week." I had successfully pushed love out completely... So, I thought... Oh what a fool I was. "I will keep my focus." I have to keep my mind straight.. I decided the only way to trick Love is to never see him again. I will never focus on Love.. I will never let you in..

      My best friend asked, " Do you want to go to poetry night with me?" I replied "No, thanks, I have to babysit tonight". I got the hang of this "finding an excuse" thing. I knew how to lie with a straight face. So my friend went without me.

  
    Love noticed that there was an empty chair next to my friend. Love was curious to know where I was. My best friend replied "She is babysitting".  In reality, I was just hiding from Love hoping he would forget that I ever existed. "I no longer want Love in my life.." "How could Love fall in the hands of another woman.." "I once claimed you in my heart, buried you in my soul, and spoke of you with sweet words coming from my lips. I gave you a second chance..Love?"

     Love remembered me.. he acknowledged my unknown presence. He told me friend to give me a message. The message was "She sucks for not showing up." My best friend laughed a little and promise to give me this message. Once the message was given to me. I acted like it was nothing..but inside I hid my excitement right beside the feelings I had for Love. They were both trapped underneath a bondage of bitterness.. in the file of just being "STUBBORN". I could not believe that I was recognized by Love. My presence matters...

     I checked my facebook and noticed a friend request from him... (immediately pressed accept). So I began to write a wall post to him. Hey, I heard that you was talking about me behind my back. You SUCK for doing that. LOL" (just to start conversation..I was trying to fool myself to think that  I was STILL not letting Love in). I thought about not submitting the wall post but my finger continued to hoover over the mouse button. I nervously and slowly clicked the button SUBMIT.  The message was sent. No more looking back. After submitting the wall post I roamed around his page a little bit. I noticed that his relationship status was not what I thought it would say. I smiled and read... Single. 

My heart raced...

(To be Continued)

 

Chapter 1: Love?

Thinking to myself

“Love, I will never fall in your arms….again! You have taken my heart and abused it… too many times and now my heart belongs to me. You have also pierced through my soul…you have drained me to the lowest denominator. I cannot tolerate your lies and deceit. I thought love was kind… it does not envy… it does not boast… isn’t that what the good book (Bible) say? I fall in love once… I am left questioning… was I in love in the first place?.... What is love?... I do not believe I experienced… this thing called love…”

To me love is where you put someone before yourself…

I use to believe that the past relationships I have experienced was love. I think I was caught up… in a teenage love affair.. HA! Silly me… I was just another victim in one of Love’s Games. Love blinded me with his good looks and his terrible line of “I love you… and I will NEVER hurt you”.  You cannot get me this time Love… I will build an emotional wall of bitterness so you cannot break me down.

My last long relationship was… senior year of high school… terrible ending to that relationship… so I became bitter and took a break from Love.

I dated a guy sophomore year of college… I dropped him 5 days later…

I let a guy take me out on a date or two… I didn’t answer his phone calls or text messages..

I turned into a heartbreaker… Why fall in love when you can play the same game in reverse?

2 years later…

I bettered myself… I re-evaluated myself… I matured… I blossomed…

I even took down that emotional wall…

Gave Love another opportunity…

So… my bestie invited me to poetry nights at Starbucks with her. I am glad I decided to go. I’ve been hiding from the world lately so I was long overdue for a night out with my girlies! .. *fast forward*

We arrived to Starbucks… I was diggin’ it. The poetry was dope and the art was dope…. WAIT… who is this?... Hmm… he is cute… *thought to myself without showing this sense of being interested on my face*

I saw Love for the first time… but… I was too shy to approach him…

So like my stubborn self.. I acted like he didn’t exist and did not speak at all..

Next day..

Went back to my normal life… studying… church… chilling…repeat…

A week later…

I was leaving the library… and I saw Love’s face again…

Love speaks.. HEYY! How are you guys?

My friend and I spoke: Hey! We are good!

The conversation was not long… just a little catching up here and there…

I left with Love on my mind… sigh… FOCUS JAMIE FOCUS…

The next weekend..

My bestie and I went to the movies…

Yes you guessed it… Love was there… but… WAIT who is she??? 

*heart dropped* obviously that is Love’s girlfriend…

Love saws us and said : HEY! We just keep bumping into each other!

I said: Yep! Lol *laughed off my sadness of finding out that Love was currently off the market*

Once again the conversation was not long at all… we both had to get to our movie so.. we kept it short.

*sigh* And ironically Love was still imprinted on my mind... 

(To be Continued...)